by Susan Shearouse
We’re grateful to be joined by Susan Shearouse, conflict resolution expert and author of Conflict 101: A Manager’s Guide to Solving Problems. In this post she examines a new angle on managing anger in the workplace — when it originates in someone else. -HC
You might not know what started it. Maybe it was something you said. Or something someone else said. Or something you didn’t say – and should have. It might have been a conversation that went from bad to worse. Maybe it’s been building up for a long time, and you are the last to know. Whatever it might be, it’s your problem now.
This person is suddenly in your face, angry at you and quite vocal about it. Everybody up and down the corridor knows that you are getting the full dose of their fury.
Or – and sometimes this is even harder to face – they won’t speak to you at all. They won’t return your calls any more. If you pass in the hall, they look the other way, even if the other way is nothing but a blank wall.
What can you do? How do you keep your cool? You can turn a potential argument into a discussion if you can hold on to your own sense of calm and keep a strong determination not to be sucked into their negative energy.
- First, know and understand your own responses to anger, your defensiveness, hot buttons. This is the first step in developing empathy for others. It also helps you to be aware of, and less likely to be caught by, your own triggers. If you can avoid responding in kind, you have gone a long way in changing direction.
- Listen. This may be the hardest thing to do. It can also be the most effective. Give others the opportunity to be heard, in itself a profound and powerful experience. Allow the other person to let off steam, to explain their perspective, to vent. They might be surprised that you actually want to hear what they have to say. And you might be surprised at what they have to tell you.Remember: what they are saying is not about you. It is about them – what they think, how they see things. You can decide later what you might want to do about what they have said, whether you agree with them or not.
- Name it. “It sounds like you might be feeling frustrated, or upset, or anxious… or…??? What is going on?” Ask it as a question, non-confrontational or accusatory. Then be willing to listen to the answer. Accept their right to be angry. Acknowledge difficult feelings – that does not mean that you agree with them.
- Take a break. When the tension is too high, or you feel your own anger rising in response, interrupt the pattern and allow tempers to cool, without judgments or negative comments. It can be as simple as, “let’s talk after lunch” or even “I need to step to the restroom. I’ll be right back,” again, without accusation, or suggestion that they need to calm down. It takes 15 to 20 minutes for most of us to work through the adrenalin when we’ve got a full head of steam going. Anger does not have to control the outcome of the discussion.
- Create a safe place to talk it through. Provide privacy and a neutral space within which you both can work it through. Allow enough time for both sides to be heard and some resolution found. Sometimes, safety includes having someone else you both trust present, not as judge and jury, but simply to help you hear one another. If a difficult disagreement or emotional response springs up in the middle of the meeting, do not attempt to resolve it there. Table it immediately for a private discussion later. Nothing positive is gained from a public performance.
- Consider the source: Don’t take it personally. The other person may be angry about something or someone else. You never know what other difficulties may be going on in this person’s life that may be adding fuel to the fire. Keep the focus of conversation on the issue at hand.
- Set boundaries: Establish ground rules for discussion, either before a difficult conversation or along the way when needed. Propose ground rules with shared responsibility and without judgments: “I cannot hear you when you are yelling.” Or “Can we agree to use respectful language?
Follow the guidance above and you’ll engage a broad scope of your internal resources in service of stronger relationships at work. To find out more about Shearouse’s approach to workplace conflict, visit Conflict 101 or Frameworks for Agreement. -HC
Image of Setsuko Hara via
